My Absolutely True Life Story
A long time ago in the far-off, mystical land of Culver City, California, I was born in an undisclosed location somewhere near a Circle K and a Super Walmart. My mom used to tell me that I was purchased at Walmart for two cents after she found me in the damaged item bin, but after seeing pictures of the undisclosed location and my birth certificate, I started to doubt her story. My mom at the time was a secret agent working for the CIA and my dad was a dinosaur that she was hiding in her apartment after smuggling him out of the rain forest of South America.
The dinosaur’s name was Billy and he was a brontosaurus, who also had a human form. When Billy wasn’t being a magical dinosaur that brought rain to all the people of California, he doubled as a composer of musical theater, in his human form. One day Billy got angry because my mom wouldn’t feed him steak (insisting that he was supposed to be a vegetarian) so he stomped off into the woods, never to be heard from again. My mom was pretty sad when Billy left us, so she decided to retire from the CIA because she didn’t want to meet some other magical creature that stole her heart and was destined to leave her.
A year after retiring from her government position, my mom decided she needed a career change so she moved us both to Lake Havasue, Arizona where nothing of monumental importance ever happens. In fact, I think the most exciting thing that ever happened in Lake Havasue was when the elderly ladies next door decided to lay out on their roof in the summer completely butt naked. I used to ask my mom if they looked wrinkly because they bathed in the sun all day like that and she would always say, “No honey. They are wrinkly because they are naked in public. That is what happens when you don’t dress appropriately.” After my mom told me that, I never left the house without making sure that I had all the right clothes in all the right places. This led to some self image problems when I got into high school because I was afraid to get naked for years; even when I took a bath!
A few months after my mom moved us to Lake Havasue, a Roman emperor by the name of Julius Caesar traveled to the future, in hopes of finding a wife that could help him rule his vast Empire. He met my mom at her new job, working for the radio station LHR 103.3. He was trying to broadcast a message to all of the eligible woman in Arizona to come to the town square of Lake Havasue City, so he could examine them and find out which ones would be suitable to be his royal concubines, which ones would reside in his harem, and which lucky woman would be his principle wife. When he laid eyes on my mom it was love at first sight. He decided to marry her and stay in the 21st century since it had indoor plumbing and daytime television. He changed his name to Caesar Bento Box so no one would be suspicious of his origins. Since my mom used to work for the CIA she pulled some strings and got him a fake social security card and other forged documents so he could live in the United States as a legal citizen.
A year after meeting Caesar, my mom gave birth to my sister, Lulu. We were all living happily in a giant house with little worries about the future when a ninja named Aki Nakoai traveled to the future from ancient Japan and tried to assassinate Caesar. Apparently, Caesar had made enemies in more than one time, and they had all been trying to kill him since the day he left ancient Rome. Caesar and Aki had this epic fight in my living room which involved a kitchen broom and a closet mop, neither of which was harmed after the said fight took place. Aki however, had his head impaled upon a broom handle and was thrown out of the second story window by Caesar. When the cops arrived, my mom explained that the cable repair man committed suicide after he learned that reality television might actually become popular in the future. The cops understood his pain and dragged the dead body away saying many vigils as they left.
Meanwhile, Caesar knew that he couldn’t stay in a place where all of his enemies might find him, so he decided to move us to Flagstaff, Arizona which has a known time-travel barrier, due to all of the vortexes that hang out in the neighboring town of Sedona. I enrolled in elementary school there and was teased a lot because the kids did not believe that I was part dinosaur. I couldn’t turn into a dinosaur like my real dad, Billy, so I had no way of proving what I was. There was this one kid Betty that believed me because she claimed to be part dragon. We were friends all the way through my junior high school years, when she decided to return to the land of the dragons and she flew away in her dragon form, never to be seen or heard from again.
In junior high, I fit in a little better because I learned how to kick people’s butt who didn’t believe I was part dinosaur. After getting into a few fights, people started to accept my heritage and things went pretty good. Caesar started working at an insurance agency at the time and my mom worked for a publishing company called Rising Moon. They kept those jobs for many years and ended up becoming the heads of each of their respective companies. Junior high seemed to fly by pretty fast and before I knew it, I was enrolled in high school. My sister had traveled back in time during all these years from a power spot located in Lake Havasue and was being raised as the successor of Caesar in ancient Rome. I think her historical name was something different but I can’t think of it right now.
Anyway, getting back to my story, in high school I met my first true love. The only problem is that he was trying to kill me. He was a new agent working for the CIA and he had orders to kill all of the children of Billy the dinosaur, since they had the power to make rainstorms and confuse meteorologists.
The CIA agent, Eric, started dating me my freshman year of high school. He dated me in order to gain my trust so he could catch me off guard and kill me, but he ended up falling in love. He admitted everything after a year of dating him. I was pretty shocked at first, but then I realized that if I were in his shoes, I’d probably do the same thing, so I forgave him wholeheartedly. When I graduated from high school, Eric had a secret mission in South America he had to attend to. He didn’t want to say goodbye but he did reluctantly. I never saw or heard from Eric again.
After Eric disappeared, I decided I was never going to find true love again. I enrolled in college and started pursuing a career I really didn’t want in order to get my mind off of him. After getting my Associate’s Degree in General Studies, I transferred to NAU and started pursuing a English Major. Around that time, Caesar learned that his daughter was doing a better job of ruling his kingdom than he was. He wanted to get in on the action, so he traveled back to ancient Rome and became the overseer of his daughter’s court. I never heard from Caesar or my sister Lulu again, although I heard that they made history that is still being taught in classrooms to this very day.
While attending university, I decided to work at a pizza place in order to learn how to make Italian food since it reminded me of my sister and Caesar. I moved out into an apartment of my own and learned how to control the weather in a way which gave me free internet and cable. A few months later, my mom sent word that one of Caesar’s assassins was trying to kill her, so I left my apartment and moved back home in order to protect her from the assassins being sent to kill her from the past. My mom and I completely disposed of the first assassin together and decided that we made a good team, so we started our own secret agency from our house. I work as an agent for this agency to this day, using my pizza job as a cover up for my real identity. My mom still works for the publishing house, and uses it as her cover. Caesar and Lulu are still ruling ancient Rome in the past. No mops or brooms were hurt during the writing of this absolutely true life story.
